"Where do you come from?" the
Scotsman asked an American.
An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read,
"£ 20,000 per call!" The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. His next stop was in Northampton.
There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the Englishman. He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border, decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "20 pence per call". The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."
There was an Scotsman, an
Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it
was an old style train,there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark. Then there
was this kissing noise and the sound of a really
loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel,
Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if
nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as he had been slapped.
came into the office
an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story
this time. Mac ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's
hear a good excuse for a change.
A cute Highland girl
giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop.
The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said,
" I'm married."
English businessmen in London were sitting down
for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet,
the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set
up and no stock. One said to the other, 'I bet
any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk
by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
Tony Blair, the British
Prime Minister, is being shown around a
Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he
is shown into a ward with a number people with no
obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet
the first patient and he replies:
A Scotsman went into a barber's shop and asked the cost of a haircut. "Six pounds," replied the hairdresser. "What about a shave?" asked the Scot. "Three pounds fifty pence," answered the hairdresser. The Scot retorted, "Shave my head."
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
In the old days the English and
armies used to fight by gathering their
armies on top of the hills and at day break they
would run down the hillside into the deep gorge
below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea
soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from
fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were
resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from
within the dense fog.
A Scotsman and an Englishman
lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a
hen and each morning he would look in his garden and
pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the
hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He
was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman
pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him
that the egg belonged to him because he owned the
hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was
laid on his property. They argued for a while until
finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally
solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you
in the testicles and time how long it takes for you
to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles
and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever
gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He
took a few steps back, then ran towards the
Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the
testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor
clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30